Persevere

We all come through to this earth with unique gifts and talents inherently within us. They live in our hearts and we have the free will to celebrate, hone and share these gifts or turn away from them. Every action has a reaction and the latter of these choices can come with painful and unseemly consequences. When that which is within you is looking for an outlet, be it writing, singing, painting, cooking or any creative activity and it is not valued and honored it turns within and the energy that is looking to move and be in the flow of the creative process becomes stagnant and does not speak to health and a whole existence. It further fosters living a fractured and splintered life.

Anxiousness, depression and brain fog are a few of the symptoms that may be experienced over time when you repeatedly say NO to living in harmony with your heart. You get further and further from your core. From your true North.

I awoke recently from a sleep walking slumber that has encapsulated decades of my life after living through years of trauma and coming out of it with deep emotional scars that were not tended to in the Now moment which caused deep suffering for years to come. The transformative healing process that I have lived through is nothing short of miraculous. Each moment feels so new to me now. The experiences are richer and vibrant and hold endless possibilities. And I am filled with hope for a life that is filled with limitless possibilities.

The other day the words formed on my tongue: Who are you to not fulfill that which was seeded in you before you were birthed? Encoded in the very DNA you incarnated with on this Earthly plane. God given gifts and talents that were bestowed upon you. These are not meant to be a burden and fill you with fear they are meant to be shared with the world.

Which brought up all of these questions as to why have I been living this lie for so long and not honoring all that I AM? Because years of dishonoring my heart had made my world smaller and smaller. I had done what I was always most fearful of another doing to me. I had locked myself down. And I was yearning to be liberated.

These were very old habits of hiding behind the scenes and not allowing my self to be seen that had been birthed out of needing to survive. The realization that I had been used and manipulated in my past because of my light and the insatiable need to possess me and my gifts of healing.
I was raped over and over again as he tried to get to the core of that which is my eternal essence. Attacked, ridiculed, judged, manipulated and abused in attempts to defile, defame and disgrace my very being. As time went on I began to believe the lies. And it turned me against my own true self. Self hatred became the language I was fluent in. How could I have room for any other language when I was filled with such rage and bitterness?

All this hiding and denying your true essence makes you feel separate, isolated and as though everyone is the enemy and out to cause you harm. Because you are always scanning for the next threat you deplete and exhaust all of your energy and do not have a drop of anything to give to yourself. I was living in a perpetual state of fight, flight or freeze and a diet of cortisol and adrenal exhaustion.

I have incarnated in this lifetime with deep warrior roots, that allowed me to persevere in times when I could have perished. However, my skewed perspective of how important independence is has caused me and those in my life a lot of pain as I tended to shut down and isolate as a means of coping. Even though I’ve always been told this is a partnership lifetime for me. Which has for the past years felt like a paradox that I was not going to be able to succeed in overcoming. They said this is no longer about the battle. And the day I saw the sword on my back turn from heavy metal into a sword of light I knew that freedom from these shackles was not far behind.

These are the fruits I was able to get to through constant work with the violet flame exercises, the releasing breath, forgiveness, compassion of self, the act of releasing, crying, constantly taking little steps, committing to healing and perseverance despite the discomfort. The sharing of this intimate information is to encourage others and to further share in giving back. We hope this will be helpful to you or that you will share the blog  with those who can benefit.

All the best to you. Healing, divine love and increase in your inner light.