We are back with our next piece on running. And true to form as I sat down to see what wanted to be written I started to run from the piece on running. Because this is a habit that is so entrenched within my life that it has permeated all aspects of how I move through this life. And now that the spot light is being turned on this very old and deeply entrenched habit it feels raw, vulnerable, uncomfortable and unnerving. Since we began these pieces coupled with the timing of ending the last decade and starting a new one with these potent energies, I have been in a constant state of feeling wired and tired all at the same time. Because when you are committing to being still for the first time in decades it feels very unfamiliar as though you are taking steps for the very first time. In a moments time your life doesn’t seem to fit anymore and it doesn’t feel like it is even yours any longer. And you are left questioning everything.
But yet you don’t know where to go next or what to do, because you are in the in between space as you work on your inner landscape. Healing is a process that is not linear and may not make sense to one witnessing from the outside or the person experiencing it first hand. In each moment you really are so different then you were the moment before because you are actively choosing to not partake in the former habit – running. So you choose not to run in situations that would have had you sprinting just a short time ago because the feelings and look is different.
In the now moment I am acutely aware that things that made sense before and I found comfort in, no longer feel the same. And the realization of this level of discomfort is heightened because I do not feel comfortable in my own skin( which is even more jarring). The peace within or what had passed for peace before has now been upended and disrupted to the point where I’ve been trying to find balance and stillness ever since.
When you have felt overwhelmed with feeling very deep feelings in the past that left indelible impressions on you with out the tools to navigate them and are surrounded by community/society telling you that you “are too sensitive, feel too much, too deep, too …too…too…” you begin to believe them and think you are too much. Too loud, too big, too emotional, too intimidating. Not made right. So you try ways to escape, run away and make yourself small to fit in, numb out, and not feel the pain of the rejection – implied, direct, perceived or imagined. You run so fast and for so long that you don’t even realize you are still running. Running has changed it’s appearance through the clever morphing over time running has shifted to supply the desire for getting out— getting away—FLEEING-an auto-escape portal to meet any situation.
Since the running has adapted to fit each situation you have perceived and can conceive as rejection of you (or whatever it is that makes for what to run)… you realize as I do now that perpetual running has to be gracefully and compassionately unlearned, unpracticed, unwrapped because I can’t remember what it is not to run which could create a deep sadness. I suggest that we be gentle with ourselves in the process of unlearning old patterns of behavior which no longer fit our present day narratives. Treat ourselves with kindness not with excuses but with expectancy of small progress being made. Small progress can be the awareness that comes with the lack participation in the running. It could be the willingness to seek healing and step into the moment regardless of the urge to flee that may come up. It could be outing yourself to someone to assist in being accountable and owning your “stuff”. All things along the road to removing the blinders and stepping into a healthier way of being are encouraged. So stay encouraged. Encourage yourself to heal… to eventually soar. I know staying committed to healing is a process and I am willing to grow.