I often ask myself, where am I in this moment?
An attempt to locate myself with my inner GPS to find where I am in time and space. Because I’ve spent the majority of my life leaving the moment through a myriad of ways that one could call survival mechanisms so as not to feel that which I perceived as coming at me and bombarding my nervous system like a meteor shower.
Although I didn’t always have the language to articulate what was going on in past moments I would bail on myself and refer to feelings, things, people etc as being “too much”. I was, and still am in some ways, bracing for impact from the incoming emotions that threatened (in my mind and nervous system) to overwhelm me.
What I did not realize is that through all of this ducking and diving and thrashing about in order to “avoid” the overwhelm I was actually intensifying and prolonging that which needed to be addressed and dealt with.
Years of running away from the now moment has left me in a state of self betrayal to which I could not begin to understand how pervasive it had become throughout my life. I could not see that which God had seeded withIN me because I was too busy looking OUTward in a state of hyper vigilance waiting for the next moment that I needed to protect myself, in and from, that which waited to threaten my safety.
As I have begun to heal and am learning to regulate my nervous system I feel more and more safe to return to the body and the now moment. As my focus has turned within I have begun to honor the gifts of being an empath instead of viewing it as a heavy burden to carry. I now have many tools to alchemize the heaviness into light.
I have been strengthening my ability to hear, feel and see the intuitive hits of guidance that I receive by being more obedient in the now moment vs overriding them or being so distracted that I could not even hear that which was trying to come through. This discipline of using my tools in more of my moments including the most difficult ones of stress, pain etc has brought more calm and peace into my Self.
This new way of living has freed up more space within to see, hear and feel the newness of Life that is beginning to seed within me. I look to the Lord with expectancy and Hope for the strength, courage and committed conviction to continue to show up for myself moment by moment. I am now receptive in BEING IN THE MOMENT.